Make me an Island
by CaffeineWords
Summary: With the ministry sticking their nose into Remus’s business and Sirius’s ever increasing problems with his family, 7th year at Hogwarts turns out to be more of a challenge than the Marauders thought. And what is going on between Sirius and Remus?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 -Tempers Flare

"Will you stop tick-tacking about like that!" James snapped. He had managed to avoid being dumped in the mud at Quidditch practice that night and was trying for a good night's sleep.

"Sorry." Sirius quietly left the room and went downstairs to sit on the sofa. He rested his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands and miserably watched a line of moonlight move slowly around like a spoke on the floor. He felt as if the whole world had conspired against him to make his life as miserable as possible. The moonlight had moved to hover over a portrait of a fat man snoozing in a room that mirrored the Gryffindor common room. Sirius chewed on his lip as he watched the man in the portrait snore. He appeared to be letting out great puffs of air that made the purple plumes on his head wave up and then sucking in wheezy little breaths causing the feathers to shrink back down and tickle his nose.

Sirius was nearly asleep, when he heard a soft creak. The Gryffindor portrait opened and someone stepped in, someone that the moon revealed to have wavy brown hair.

"Remus?" he couldn't betray the surprise in his voice. The figure stood frozen for a couple of seconds.

"What on earth are you doing? I thought you were asleep?" Sirius frowned into the dark. His friend's curtains had been drawn about his bed earlier, as they usually were when he was asleep. What was Remus playing at?

"Oh, you're awake," Remus said. He still hadn't moved closer to the couch. Something was wrong. Sirius fumbled for his wand.

"Lumos." He murmured.

Remus turned his head away from the light but not before Sirius saw how pale he was and how thin his face looked, skin stretched over his cheekbones, eyes lined with dark circles.

"What's wrong Rem?" His heart sped up. A few more seconds of silence and then Remus said,

"I was just taking a walk." He gave Sirius what he obviously hoped to be a reassuring smile. Sirius didn't buy it. He got up and moved to hold one of Remus's shoulders.

"Like hell you were." He said softly. Why wasn't Remus looking him in the eyes? "Rem? What's wrong, come on."

"Just drop it Sirius, I'm fine," he said and he pushed Sirius's hand from his shoulder. Sirius' frown deepened. He grabbed Remus's arm.

"You trust me don't you?" he couldn't quite manage to keep the hurt out of his voice. Remus picked up on it and Sirius saw him visibly bristle.

"This has nothing to do with _that_. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to go to bed, I'm tired and I've got an arithmancy exam tomorrow." He moved away again.

"Actually I do mind." Sirius said, "You've been acting really strangely lately. Maybe the others haven't noticed, but I have. You keep-" But Sirius was cut off.

"If the others haven't noticed, perhaps you're imagining things," Remus said.

"Don't give me that!" Sirius snarled. The moon had slipped behind the clouds so he raised his wand to better light Remus's face.

"You hardly eat anymore, your transformations have gotten worse –yes-," he said, "I've noticed that and you spend the whole day in the library. We haven't done anything together in god knows how long."

And then suddenly, and Sirius had no idea how, Remus had him backed against the wall, wand poking into Sirius's chest.

"And you?" Remus snapped. His eyes were blazing. "How open have you been lately? How dare you tell me to open up when you shrug off every concern we express! James might be distracted by Lily but even he's worried. Peter's also asked." He pressed his wand further into Sirius's chest.

"That's different." Sirius said, "That's my personal business."

Remus glared at him for a few seconds and then withdrew his wand, "Yeah, and this is my _personal business_ too." And he left the room

"Nox!" Sirius snarled at his wand. The room shrank back into darkness. Sirius clenched his fists. He had to will himself to breath deeply to stop from casting incendio on the leering couch. The moon peered from behind the clouds again. Sirius paced over the lattice pattern of light that was reflected on the stone floor. He wanted to shout what a bastard Remus was, he wanted to wake up everyone in the castle, he wanted to slap all the Slytherins and…and he wanted to shake some sense into his damned stupid brother.

He wasn't sure for how long he'd paced, but after at least ten minutes, his breathing has resorted to a more normal pace. His chest deflated slightly. Perhaps he'd been too brash. He had lost his temper again. Perhaps he should have apologized for his behavior and told Remus what was going on. But a little voice in the back of his head whispered, 'ah, but he's not telling you something either, is he? Could it be that the whomping willow episode is not really over with…after all, James and Peter haven't mentioned his behavior…maybe they're in on his secret…but you, you don't deserve to be, do you? You can't be trusted.' Sirius bit back on his tongue. That little voice had been plaguing him for a year. After the nightmare month that had followed the whomping willow incident, He had worked judiciously to try and sort out his attitude and he had gotten better at managing his anger, that was until this year, until…But he blocked off his thoughts. This was about Remus, nothing else. He sighed in defeat. If he wanted Remus to trust him, he was going about it the wrong way. He quit his pacing to stare out the window. The great lake shimmered with reflections from the stars and Sirius could see that the wind had picked up. The forbidden forest was swaying in the distance, as if it were one tree and not hundreds of thousands. He thought he'd better go and fix some of the mess he'd made.

When Sirius entered the room, Remus's curtains were drawn shut. Only James's quite snoring could be heard. He closed his eyes and willed himself not to screw this up.

"Remus?" he whispered. He waited. A hand reached out and drew the burgundy curtains apart. Remus was leaning against the headboard. He had changed into his full-length pajamas. Briefly Sirius wondered if he'd made a mistake coming here. Maybe their little tiff would all have been forgotten by morning. Somehow he doubted it.

"Yes?" Remus said.

Sirius braced himself and plunged forward, "Listen Rem, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lash out at you like I did and…well, I'm sorry."

Remus regarded him for a while and then sighed,

"Come on in." He beckoned Sirius forward. When Sirius was seated cross-legged on Remus' bed, Remus drew the curtains shut and muttered a quiet 'silencio'.

For a short time, both friends just looked at each other. Sirius wondered how he was going to string together his entire story but before he could start, Remus took over.

"I'm sorry too Sirius. This keeping secrets from each other isn't working for us." He gestured between them and then looked down in exhaustion. "I've been having a bit of a problem with the Ministry of Magic. It's nothing to worry about!" he rushed on, seeing Sirius begin to open his mouth, "It's just a little frustrating to have them keeping tabs on me. They started a program this year that requires all half breed creatures to report their every move to the ministry." He paused for a moment,

"I know I shouldn't be too bitter about it, I can't blame them really. In such horrible times like these, pe-werewolves will be werew-"

"Don't." Sirius said. He placed his hand on Remus's knee, "You're more of a person than most." Remus didn't say anything and Sirius could tell he didn't agree.

"I mean it Moony." He said and then added, 'what kind of things do you have to report?"

Remus shrugged, "Silly things really. Have to get them to sign an extra note allowing me into Hogsmeade on the weekends or allowing me onto the Hogwarts express."

"Is that why you didn't come with us those first two weeks?" he was frowning again. Remus nodded.

"Those slimy bastards." Sirius hissed. "Rem, how come you never mentioned anything?"

"Didn't want you guys to worry," Remus said. "James was so excited to finally get a date with Lily and you seemed to have a lot on your mind as well."

Sirius had the grace to look guilty.

"Look, don't take it personally Padfoot, It's not that big of a deal, it's just frustrating to feel so…so…boxed in. They automatically assume that because I'm a werewolf I have a much higher chance of being recruited as a spy by Voldemort." Sirius shook his head and rolled his eyes,

"Now that's just stupid. It's not as if any death eaters have come knocking at your door, have they?" Expecting Remus to at least smile and shake his head, he was surprised at the lack of a response and was momentarily taken aback, "have they?" he asked again, rather more tentatively. Surely it wasn't possible…

"But they have," Remus whispered and he looked up at Sirius, blue eyes a pale ghostly colour. "They've been knocking for a while now Padfoot." Sirius stared. He didn't want to believe it, not Remus as well, not after…no, it couldn't be.

"And what have you been saying?" Sirius all but whispered. The glassy look left Remus's eyes and he scowled.

"What do you think I've been saying? No, of course! Honestly do you really think I'd even consider-" but he didn't finish his sentence. He was cut off when Sirius lunged forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Remus. He was shaking. Taken by Surprise Remus didn't immediately return the hug. When it was clear That Sirius wasn't going to let go anytime soon he wrapped his arms around Sirius as well and awkwardly patted his back.

"Sirius, what's the matter?" Suddenly Sirius was grasping Remus' shoulders and when Remus looked into his friend's eyes, he could see terror flashing through them.

"Promise me, Rem, promise me that no matter what, no matter how great they can make it, no matter what they can give you, you'll never join them, promise me."

"Sirius," Remus said, "what's this about?"

"Promise me!" Sirius tightened his grip on Remus's shoulders.

"I promise." Remus said, "But Pads, you can't possibly think I'd join them. Who in their right mind would?" And it was as if a light had gone off in Remus's head. He looked strangely at Sirius before gently moving to rest his own hands on Sirius's knees.

"It's Regulus, isn't it?" he said.

Sirius nodded miserably. His vision was blurring and as hard as he tried to blink away the tears, he couldn't.

Two warm arms enveloped him and held him tightly.

"He's one of them now." Sirius whispered, "After all our conversations last year, he joined them. He couldn't stand up to mum and dad. Oh Moony, he's gone. They're going to kill him. And if they don't, our side will."

"Sssh," Remus said rubbing circles over Sirius's back, "Sssh Siri." He didn't contradict Sirius and he didn't ask, he just held him tightly. And despite feeling selfish and ridiculously childish, Sirius let himself sob into his friend's shoulder. When his shaking had subsided, Remus pulled the bed covers back.

"Stay here tonight Pads."

Sirius nodded and sank into the mattress beside Remus, sniffling slightly. Remus brushed his hair aside and murmured comforting words beside him.

"Thanks Moony," Sirius said. He grasped Remus's hand, "I'm sorry about-"

"Don't apologize" Remus said, "just sleep." Sirius smiled at his friend and then nodded. And for the first time in weeks, Sirius was able to drift into a dreamless sleep. All the while Remus lay watching his friend's breathing slow down, occasionally reaching up to brush Sirius' hair aside and with his own smile, he looked down at their still grasping hands. With a sigh, he too soon drifted off.

**Title inspired by Joe Dolan's song 'Make me an island'. Thought it was a very befitting song, pity I'm not writing an angsty one-shot. It'd probably be quite useful there…anyway, hope you all enjoyed, wrote it in one sitting. Tell me what you think, Review kind souls, review!!!**


	2. Chapter 2

It starts…

In the days that followed, Sirius knew that having told Remus about Regulus was the best thing he had done this year. Earlier that day, when Macnair and Lestrange had taunted him for being the lost 'Black sheep' of the family, Remus had been there to stem the rage that had immediately swamped Sirius. He'd placed a firm but gentle hand on Sirius shoulder, laughed at them and turned Sirius away to talk about something or other. Sirius hadn't paid much mind to what Remus had been saying, he'd only listened to his friend's soothing voice. He was overwhelmed with gratitude and he smiled stupidly at whatever it was that dear old Moony was chattering about. Maybe there was hope after all. If Remus could help him by just being there, he'd return the favour. That day he set about planning a little research into werewolves and the rights entitled them under he law. If he was meticulous enough, he might stumble on something that Remus had missed.

And so, that evening, Sirius found himself in the common room on the couch alongside Remus, for once putting his brain to use.

"What fascinating book could possibly have gotten you reading Pads?" Remus asked, looking up from his copy of their Herbology text, Potting Perturbed Plants. Sirius hadn't yet mentioned to Remus what it was he was doing and when he did, he was pleased to see Remus flush.

"That's really not necessary."

But Sirius merely grinned, reached out a hand and ruffled Remus's hair, "Course not," and he immediately went back to reading, his hand resting for a short while on Remus' shoulder. He could feel Remus watching him. He looked up again.

Remus smiled, "Thanks" and he lowered his head to his own book.

The days grew shorter and the evenings longer. The Christmas holidays would seen be upon them. Sirius for the first time found himself doing more studying than he'd done in years. Night after night, the four Marauders would sit up together, each one stuck into a book. More often than not, Peter would let out long low moans and then chuck his book across the room where it would land just short of the fire. Remus would tut vaguely when this happened. James also moaned quite a bit but for a different reason. All this studying was taking away the time he spent devising plans to get Lily to go out for him. It seemed to have struck him that he only had about six more months to go before he'd forever lose sight of her. He made up for it by seeking her out every other second, badgering and pestering her relentlessly.

Along with a fire just barely burning in the grate, Remus and Sirius sat alone in the deserted common room. They had both been working for the entire evening. Sirius pulled out his book on werewolves again. The more he read, the angrier he got. Remus had never told him much but for the first time, he noticed just how few rights his friend had. He looked up at Remus and a warm feeling filled his chest. He had been there to talk with every evening. He watched his friend push his hand through his hair and scribble furiously over a few long arithmetic equations. It must have been that Sirius was terribly bored, because he couldn't seem to tear his eyes away. The boy's light brown hair dazzled with firelight. Soft shadows flickered over his arms. It was an extraordinary sight and it confused Sirius. He looked back into the book, stared at a picture of a werewolf howling to the moon and then carefully glanced back up. Remus was now staring into the fire. His eyes were glazed over and a length of bangs slipped into his face. Sirius blinked as an incomprehensible desire rose in his chest. He wanted to push them out of Remus's face. Something was chewing at his brain. Very slowly, as Remus stretched out his legs and lay back against the couch, a soft heat began to burn in Sirius's stomach. He tried to imagine how the shadows would make all Remus's scars look and then before he knew it, he was picturing what he'd look like without a shirt on. Sirius almost choked. He stared at the picture in the book again – stared unblinkingly until his eyes burned. He willed himself to think about James or Peter and the next prank they'd pull or Christmas and mistletoe and…and how he'd be alone with Remus. He felt a wave of horror wash over him and he looked up once more. Remus met his eyes. Sirius stared into the dizzying amber and the same ponderous heat pulled low in his stomach. He blinked rapidly. His heart was thudding in his throat.

"Tired?" Remus asked. Sirius nodded barely registering what his friend said.

"Yeah, me too." Remus yawned, "Think we should head up to bed."

Bed. He'd enjoyed sleeping with Remus the other night, enjoyed the comfort and closeness. Sirius felt his face grow hot and as he packed up his things and followed Remus up the stairs, he tried to keep his eyes from straying to places they really had no business looking at. No, no, no, he reprimanded himself. And slowly, very slowly, the thought crossed his mind, that he might just have another problem on hand.

It was truly astounding that he'd never seen it before. He spent the whole of the next day watching Remus. He noticed his dimples whenever he smiled and how girls blushed when he spoke softly to them. Even Remus's gravelly laughter as he listened to James ask Lily out for about the fifth time in one week. James returned to his seat scowling.

"It's our last year! I don't see why she won't give me a chance. Just one little tiny insignificant date. Two hours of her time. Is it really that much to ask?" Sirius was far too used to this sort of behavior from James to really concentrate on what his friend was saying. On any other day, he might have commented and given James some hearty words of encouragement. But today, he was too busy staring at Moony, Moony with his shining amber eyes. Remus shook his head and smiled slightly.

"I think you should take my advice this time Prongs. Lay off for a couple of months-just a couple!" he said as James opened his mouth in protest.

"And then ask her again." He rubbed his forehead, "And James, call her Lily. Hard as it may be, it might make a difference."

James didn't say anything so Remus went back to eating toast. Sirius watched him scrunch his nose up and retract the bread from his mouth in distaste. Marmalade. Yeah, that was right; Moony hated fruit before the full moon. Peter took it from him. Remus's eyes moved to the empty plate of bacon, almost all of which he'd polished off. Shortly after they'd found out Remus was a werewolf, they'd noticed how much meat he ate before his transformation and so they'd agreed, albeit silently to leave it for him at these times. With a sigh, Remus returned to his Charms book and idly flicked through the latest section they were covering.

"What are you goggling at Mooney for?" James said

Sirius snapped out of his reverie. He stabbed his finger with his fork.

"Not gogglin," he said and stuffed a spoon of corn flakes into his mouth. Remus looked up at this. He glanced down quickly and pretended not to notice. Curse Prongs! He had the sudden urge to elbow James quite violently. His cheeks were growing hot and for a couple of minutes, in which a strange silence settled over the four marauders, Sirius did not look up.

It was for this reason that Sirius decided he had best tamp down on the staring, well, so to say. If James, unobservant James hat noticed, then Remus certainly would too, if he hadn't already. The thought of Remus finding out what Sirius was thinking made him feel vaguely nauseous. His new plan of action, and he spent the rest of the evening carrying it out, involved checking that Peter and James weren't looking before he glanced at Remus. Once Remus had caught his eyes as he did this and smiled. Sirius's stomach had flipped over crazily. He couldn't think of anything clever enough to say so he had instead returned the smile and then brought his book down to rest on his lap. Heat was spreading to completely awkward places. When the feeling didn't go away and when Sirius had decided he could no longer take the suspense of making sure no one was looking while he ogled Mooney, he started to feel panicky.

"You guys, I think I'm gonna call it a night," he said, intending to head up to bed where he could mull over these new and wholly confusing thoughts.

"What, no girl to snog tonight? Unusual…" James didn't look up from the chess game where he and Peter were playing in front of the fire. Sirius said nothing but the tone of his voice, yes, that slightly innocent tone, was a little more loaded than Sirius felt comfortable answering to and with a brief nod to the other two, he traipsed up to the dorm. What did Prongs mean by _unusual_? He shook his head. He was getting paranoid. How could James possibly know what he was thinking when not even he did? Well, not really.

He lay staring at the ceiling and listened to the clock tick. He tried to concentrate on its constant rhythm, tried to make himself fall asleep thinking of Quidditch and then girls – yes, lots of girls he thought. Think of girls, not your best friend. Not how your body is betraying you. Or your mind. He pressed his palms hard against his eyes.

"This is so wrong." He mumbled aloud, "wrong, wrong, wrong."

"What's wrong?"

Sirius jumped and snatched his hands away from his eyes. Remus stood in the doorway, leaning lightly against the frame. For a while he didn't reply. Remus didn't move.

"Uh, nothing, just talking to myself." Though they'd recently had the conversation about being open with one another, Sirius was grateful that Remus didn't push for an answer. He stayed standing in the doorway for a bit longer and then moved to his own bed where he deposited his book and picked up a towel. Before shutting the bathroom door, he turned around and caught Sirius looking at him. The bathroom light haloed about his head. His eyes were dark and his hair streaked in gold.

"There's a very fine line between right and wrong, Sirius." He said and gently shut the door.

**A/N: Well, another chapter done. Took me long enough. I'm not sure my story is going in the original direction I intended it to, but hey, the characters have snatched it and done away with all my plans, well, the few I had. Tell me what you think!**


End file.
